Something to fall back on.

There are things in our lives that happen that we don't understand. I know that my life has not turned out anything like I had planned when I graduated from high school. I was going to go to college and get a degree in biology. Then go on to medical school, work my way through, and eventually be a rich doctor.

In elementary school when someone asked me what I was going to be when I grew up, I was quick to tell them that I was going to be a professional football player and I was going to play for the San Francisco 49ers. Dad would tell me that is a good goal to have and that I should work hard to reach that goal. I am sure he was laughing inside.

One day riding somewhere with Dad, he asked me that same question, and I gave him the same answer. His response changed on that day. He told me to never stop pushing toward my dreams, but always have something to fall back on. "You need a safety net, son, just in case something happens." That was good advice that I'm sure he didn't even realize was so important at the time.

Jump ahead a few years to my first year of college. The first year went fairly smooth, but at the beginning of 2000, my gallbladder shut down one night and my life changed. I was rushed into surgery and later found out that I had a liver disease. This disease would one day require me to have a liver transplant to live. Talk about a shock at 19 years old.

That prompted me to change my career path from medical school to becoming a teacher. I knew that I liked sports and that one day I would like to coach, so teaching seemed like a good fit at least until the transplant. Once I got into the courses, I realized that I liked teaching as much as I liked coaching. Now I am almost finished with my master's degree in education.

That is one instance of me having something to fall back on and taking Dad's advice. I never plan on giving up on my dreams but sometimes life sends you down a different path. I am still looking to fulfill those dreams of becoming a professional in business. I have thought about going back to school to pursue another degree. I am not sure what path my life will follow, but I want to have plenty of options when the time for change comes.

It seems that every time I get comfortable somewhere, life throws me a curve ball and I have to adjust. Adjusting is hard and very few of us like change, but it is something that we all have to deal with from time to time.

I have been given a second chance at life, and I want to use it to love those around me like I have never loved them before. I want people to see that there is more to this life than just working and buying things that make us happy for a few days. One thing that I want to do recklessly, without something to fall back on, is love the people around me. I don't want anyone to wonder if I loved them, I want them to know that I did.

Messy Life

Isn't it funny how just when you think you have everything figured out, everything seems to go nuts! I mean anything. There have been times that I thought my liver numbers were good and everything was going to be settling down......then BOOM, they are out the roof and I am in the hospital even though I feel great. There have been times that I thought that I had teaching figured out......everything is going great, then BOOM everything turns on its head. Lately, I thought that I had some personal issues worked out.....issues about life.....then BOOM, everything blows up in my face. Now I stand at a crossroad and don't know where to turn. I have decided to sit. I think I will just try to hitchhike and get on with the next person that comes by! I am so tired of things going wrong, so tired of things blowing up in my face, so tired of being tired. I have reached a plopping point and here is where I plop. Things aren't awful, things aren't good, but I'm just gonna sit right here and nap until things get figured out. I know this is a crazy post and makes no sense....but it is my blog and I will type what I want! :-)

To all of my friends, know that I love you.
To all of my family, know that I love you.
To everyone who has been there for me in any form or fashion, thank you so much!

To those who know where I am at in my life right now and even those who don't, I need your prayers. I am trying to be a better man, both for myself and for the people who are around me. Pray for me as much as you can.

Thanks for listening, I feel a little better already!

Conversations with Dad

The other day Mom and Dad came over to look at what I have done in my attempt to landscape my yard. After we discussed what the future plans for the yard were we began to just talk randomly about life. With my 1st transplantiversary not long ago, my birthday not long after that, and the organ donation awareness work I have been doing, there have been some fairly serious conversations between Mom, Dad, and me.

That day we were discussing how far that I have come in only a year. We were mainly discussing how I still become frustrated with where I am and where I think that I should be in my recovery. I was telling them that I was a little frustrated on my birthday because my strength in the gym wasn't coming back as quick as I wanted. (Trivial I know!) I told them that I got a smack from God in front of the church while teaching Sunday School. Out of nowhere I realized that my hamstrings were SORE!!! It automatically made me think about my groaning and whining about my progress over the year. I was standing in front of the church sore from a soccer game I played on Saturday, while only a year ago I was in my cousin's wedding scared I was going to pass out in front of all the guests. I couldn't even stand up straight because of the 56 staples holding me together. God told me then and there that I should not be complaining. I now agree....I am blessed beyond measure but sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees!

After my story, Dad started talking about "The Night." Yes, the night of the phone call, that phone call from Emory saying they had a liver for me. I have told the story of the mixed emotions that I had involving that phone call, but ultimately I was happy. I was looking forward to a better, healthier, more fulfilling life. I assumed it was the same for my family. They had seen me sick for so long, I figured they would be excited for a better life for me. I was wrong to a degree. Dad said that when the phone call came, he was initially excited, but within a few seconds that excitement turned to fear. A fear he never had before. I fear I do not understand and will not understand until I have a child of my own, I suppose. The fear was that he may be spending his last few moments with me. What should be said? What should be done? It was 2 A.M. and we were in a rush as I got to their house to leave. There was nothing to be done at that time. If my time was up, we had made all of the memories to be made. That is a hard pill to swallow. That is hard to imagine from his point of view. It is hard to think about from my point of view, because I remember having the same thoughts.

Craig has told me he had the same fears but he just wanted to keep me calm on the drive down. I remember Craig and me laughing about whatever we laugh about (which can be anything) on the way down. I remember getting upset at Dad because we were annoying him with our laughing. I remember seeing the terrified look on each of their faces. It was hard for me to see their fear in the car, as they were running the tests on me, and especially in the room before they rolled me into the OR. I can't really remember if we said goodbye. I like to think we didn't...I do remember telling them I will see them in a few hours. I do remember Craig turning his head so I didn't see him cry. That, I do believe, was harder for me than seeing Mom and Dad cry. I was glad that as I said those words the doctor was putting me to sleep.

This whole conversation made me think about how much time we wasted. We were blessed 4 or 5 good years after my diagnosis where I was fairly healthy. I could do anything or go anywhere. We didn't live, we survived. We played it safe. I regret playing it safe. I wish we had taken some trips, stepped out of our comfort zone and had some fun. We just kept on with our lives like nothing was wrong and the end was never coming. In a way we have gotten back to that same spirit of complacency.

Many families whose loved ones are victims of a tragic death do not have that time. Their loved one is lost in an instant....my donor's family is probably in that boat. A car wreck, a tragic sports accident, who knows? If they had things to do over again I assume they would make the most of the time they had with their loved ones.

We have had time added to the clock....time to make memories. I don't want to waste that time again. I want to live, not survive. I am tired of playing it safe. I want to do things that are meaningful, a benefit to others, and have a good time doing it. I want to live for God because he is the one I have to thank for resetting the timer on my life. I want to love people unselfishly. I don't want to waste any more time.

We never know when our time is up, so take the time that is left and make it worthwhile. Don't get the call and wish that more had been done, that more memories were made, that things had been said. Do something, make memories, and say what is important to say to those you love! Live! Don't survive. There is a difference.